Some Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage. It’s Not All Rainbows and Unicorns.

Published on by Pam

I have some things to say that are not going to be very popular, Dear Reader. Seems to be a trend lately, but I’ve got to be true to myself. Here’s the deal. Yesterday morning when my running buddy texted me asking if I’d seen the SCOTUS ruling yet, my heart sank a little. Not because I don’t believe we need equality. I totally believe we do. I’m just not sure marriage is the best means to that end.

So, while I’m happy that so many people I know are happy, I’ve not rainbowed my Facebook picture. I probably won’t. And here’s why: I’m a failure at gay marriage. As I type this blog, my same-sex marriage is dissolving its way through the Whatcom County Court system. My wife and I (for technically we still are married) were together 15 years. We got legally married in December 2013, and our marriage lasted about a year. We should be legally same-sex divorced sometime in August.

Obviously getting married didn’t doom us. Clearly things were not all rainbows and unicorns prior to our wedding. A relationship doesn’t fall apart suddenly. These things take time, but I believe that marriage contributed to our demise because we felt like we had to get married for a few reasons, not the least of which was so I could keep my health care benefits. And, because we were registered domestic partners here in Washington State before Washington granted marriage rights to same-sex couples, we would have been married by the state anyway by June 2014. That’s right. Either we had to dissolve our domestic partnership or the state would marry us. We chose to be active, to get married.

And then I had this feeling that since we finally could get married, we should, something akin to obligation. Since the straight folks had been so kind as to extend us this benefit, we would be rude to refuse such a gift. Right? After all, wasn’t this what we’d been asking for? What sort of ingrate wouldn’t jump at this offer?

Admittedly, I got excited picking out a ring, and when I proposed on Christmas Eve, 2012 in front of my mother and my daughters, I felt genuine happiness and love. I knew that my partner wanted to get married, and I did want to make her happy. Still, I had a nagging doubt that I couldn’t quiet or quell. And as that doubt grew, I pushed off my partner’s entreaties to set a date. I tried to express my feelings, tried to walk that line of “yes, I love you, but I’m not sure I want to get married.” My doubt became an issue between us.

Friday afternoon, my mood grew increasingly foul as I watched the internets morph into a giant rainbow. A huge black cloud descended over me and I tried to puzzle out why, exactly, I was so damn sad, mad, irritated, and grumpy. I knew my sadness went deeper than the fact that I’m getting divorced AT THE EXACT MOMENT that same sex marriage became the law of the land, though that does feel like a sufficient reason to not want to celebrate.

I tried to explain it to a friend. We had an errand to run together, and I warned her as she climbed into the Jeep that I was extremely grumpy. She asked if it was because I didn’t have someone with whom to celebrate this momentous occasion. No, I said. It’s deeper than that, though that is part of it.

I knew that in order to fully explain my feelings, I would probably end up crying. And I hate crying in front of people, but I needed to articulate what was roiling inside of me.

Here’s the deal, I said through my tears: When you grow up knowing you’re different, but not really understanding why, when you spend almost your entire life being told you’re wrong and bad and going to hell for the way you love, you develop a way of being in the world (or at least I did), protecting your heart, living a double life, watching what you say and to whom you say it. Just because the Supreme Court decides one day to validate same-sex marriage, I’m supposed to forget and forgive and move on? Suddenly it’s okay to be fully myself?

I didn’t grow up expecting to get married. My worldview, my view of myself, never included marriage. I had no fantasies about wedding dresses, being walked down the aisle and being (god forbid) given away. I always viewed marriage as a patriarchal institution, a way to own and control women, children, and property. Why, I always wondered, were the gays and lesbians fighting to become a part of such an institution?

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or rain on anyone’s pride parade. Honest. I just think, like I always have, that marriage is an imperfect institution fraught with all sorts of pitfalls. Why we as a culture view it as the pinnacle of loving expression baffles me. Yes, legally it represents the only way many people can pass on property upon death, the only way some folks can get adequate health care, but it is laden with outsize expectations and a 50% failure rate. Is this something to which we should aspire?

So, there’s that.

But there’s also this.

Friday’s SCOTUS ruling means something critical to all of the gay and lesbian children who can now grow up knowing that their love is not aberrant, at least not in the eyes of the law. Do not underestimate the power this ruling will have on making this world a safer, friendlier place for future generations.

However, for those of us who grew up having to fight every step of the way to love openly, the ruling means something different. It means we have left a legacy, the benefits of which we may not get to fully enjoy. I, for one, cannot simply breathe a sigh of relief and lay down my guard because the Supreme Court finally handed down a 5-4 decision in my favor. I still have 52 years of prejudice, hatred, doubt, and fear to overcome. I’ve grown up in a world where, yes, Roe v. Wade passed in 1973, but the right to abortion continues to be attacked and threatened. I’ve grown up in a world where, yes, segregation was ruled illegal, where yes, interracial marriage has been made legal, where yes, voting rights have been granted to people of color and to women, but where, my friends, we still have to fight every fucking day to maintain these rights.

As another friend pointed out, Brown vs. the Board of Education declared segregation illegal in 1954, but schools were still not fully integrated until the 1970s (and really, are they integrated now?). The pictures of the National Guard escorting Ruby Bridges to school haunt me, and we can still see the ugly faces of discrimination protesting today.

ruby bridges protesters god hates fags 2

We still live in a world where people WANT to fly the confederate flag, where governors allow it to fly over the state capitol, where lawmakers refuse to acknowledge the hatred and racism behind the assassination of nine Black churchgoers, where police routinely kill unarmed Black men. Gay teens are still bullied and hauled off to reparative therapy, trans* kids are killing themselves in droves and are being harassed in school.

We still have so much work to do. So, while yes, maybe same sex marriage being recognized as legal in all 50 states is a step in the right direction, the ruling doesn’t guarantee that anything will actually change.

So, yes, in many ways last week was a very good week. I can get health care insurance even as I lose my benefits in the course of my same-sex divorce. A new generation of young people can grow up knowing that their love is recognized as valid by the United States of America—unless they live in Texas.

375 thoughts on “Some Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage. It’s Not All Rainbows and Unicorns.”

      1. From what I read it seems like personal reasons that your marriage dissolved, not because #SCOTUS legalized gay marriage.

  4. My sister is lesbian, so reading this very candid viewpoint was refreshing because I think my sister feels the same way. She is away at boot camp and I cannot ask her yet how she feels, but much of what you said was a very honest and truthful analysis of what this new law means. Just as there will always be racism and hate towards abortion laws, there will always be controversy over gay rights. Thx for sharing this with the world!

    Reply

    1. Thank you for reading. I am hopeful that the controversy will fade away eventually, but I suspect it will take awhile. I often forget, living where I do, that other parts of the country (and indeed world) are not very progressive.

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  7. “Not because I don’t believe we need equality. I totally believe we do. I’m just not sure marriage is the best means to that end.”

    I stopped reading here. Equality means same. In Logic, its usually a syllogism. And equal is equal — no irrational numbers. Equality takes the firm A + B = C

    Ergo

    Guy + Girl = Marriage is Legal

    Coexisting with the state

    Guy + Guy = Marriage is Illegal

    Means that

    A can marry.
    B cannot.
    C cannot.

    Quod erat demonstrandum.

    You’re wrong, and whatever verbiage you dress this argument in, it can never — and it is not… Not at all — be a sound argument.

    That is, your argument fails because the structure prevents any argument of this form from succeeding.

    So you’re wrong discussingbanythingbthis way. Change gay to B, etc… WRONG.

    Have fun being one of those bigots who just has to say that bigoted thing because ….

    It is not true, the belief that everyone is entitled to an opinion.

    QED

    dbmllc
    alienandroid consortium

    Reply

      1. Yes I did. I did so because your means of expression was fundamentally itself in error. Meaning I didn’t need to hear your argument to know it is invalid (logic). The fact you chose to address this issue this way made anything you concluded de facto nonsense aka wrong.

        You miss the point that an illogical manner of thinking produces illogical results. And Republicans.

  8. Its nice to hear another perspective on same sex marriage, I often wondered how divorce would differ. Its hard to lose someone who has been part of you for many years and with children its even harder.

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    1. Thanks for reading–I am not sure divorce differs, but I did have a nasty custody battle about 20 years ago with the other mother of my children. We weren’t married (obviously) but we’d both adopted both of our children. The legal system had NO idea how to handle our custody dispute or what to make of two women who were both mothers to our girls. Getting the legal system involved never ends well.

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  11. Wow, thanks for writing this! It was very deep and enlightening reading this, and YUP, marriage doesn’t solve everything. I went through something similar.

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    2. Sorry you had to go through something similar . . . marriage is hard work and I think people don’t consider it fully enough before entering into it. Thanks for reading.

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  13. I like what you have written. I’m a little outside the loop – I consider myself bisexual but I know a lot of lesbians don’t “believe” in bisexualism. But from where I am sitting I totally agree with you. It is amazing, and I rejoiced when it was announced in your country and mine (Ireland) but I still had this horrible taste in my mouth; maybe it’s bitterness? Like I feel ashamed to be celebrating the approval of someones love by a majority whose opinions do not really matter to me. Like “woo thanks, you are all so kind for agreeing to finally put up with my choices”. I find it hard.

    Also, I’m sorry to read about your relationship breaking up.

    Peace.

    Reply

    1. Exactly–the fact that we/I have to rely on others to validate my relationship, to give me rights I should have by virtue of simply being born, just annoys the hell out of me. Uh, thanks, but who asked you anyway? That’s what I feel like at times. So–thanks for your comment, and for your kind words about my breakup. It gets better. Peace.

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  14. Sorry to hear that you are going through struggles. I appreciate your outlook and honestly on the issue that one ruling doesn’t make the world for LGBTQ people all rainbows and butterflies. We can all appreciate the steps taken in the right direction, but we will continue down the hard path of acceptance. At least we can do it together.

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  16. The title of your blog attracted me so I read it and thought it was a very interesting perspective. I appreciate your openness. And I am a christian.

    I don’t believe God hates gays (and all people marching with such banners should look at their own sins) but to me (based on my faith) marriage is a commitment between a man & a woman starting a family. We can call gay-marriage sin, but what is sin to someone who doesn’t believe in God? It is pointless. Plus, any heterosexual couple having sexual relationships outside marriage (so before, or in an affair or even pornography) would be judged the same way according to the bible. According to the bible the man needs to love his wife the way Jesus loved the church, (and He gave His life) so that means the husband needs to sacrifice himself for his wife.

    I don’t mean to judge in any way, I’m just giving a perspective from a christian worldview; marriage has a different meaning to us. I believe legally, everyone should have the right to do what they want (as long as they don’t hurt anyone, of course) and I don’t expect someone to live according to christian standards if they’re not christians. I’m from the Netherlands, where gay marriage has been legal for 15 years now. But in NL it is also possible to live together unmarried and still have the same rights. Also, we have a very clear seperation between a civil wedding and a church wedding; a pastor is not ordained to marry anyone, they just give their blessing. I think it would be good if they would do this in the US.

    I’ve been married for 5 years, but because I’m an expat and married a foreigner, I don’t receive any benefits. In fact, the government even makes it really difficult for me to return to my home country because it is almost impossible for my husband to get dutch citizenship.

    I’m sorry for everything you’re going through and what you’ve been through. I’m sure it’s not an easy time. I believe God loves you. Wishing you peace & joy.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for reading and for commenting. If there is a god, I have a hard time believing he or she would be very interested in our sex lives or with whom we chose to spend our lives. Marriage is about property and inheritance rights, that’s it. Health benefits and such shouldn’t be predicated on getting married–we should be able to say “I want this person to have my belongings when I die.” Period.

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      1. But if you would believe in God, you would believe he created people and if he created people he would be interested in their lives, just like a mother or father, right? There is a whole book in the bible dedicated to sex 🙂 (Song of Songs). God only gave the book of the law after they started messing up… without any rules, people seem to get kinda lost… but unfortunately, laws & rules created by man always seem to benefit one, but hurt the other 🙂

  17. Really a great post. Honest and open. There is indeed a long road ahead. But know there are many from all corners that do support equality for all and will continue the fight with you. You are not alone. We are in a very imperfect world. But each fight and victory. Rings us that much closer to the love and support we all deserve. Don’t give up. Take strength from us.

    Reply

    1. Thanks! I’ve taken so much strength from all of the folks who have read and commented on this piece. It’s truly amazing.

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  23. It was like reading my life story in the future. My partner wants to get married, and I sure want to make her happy. But I am not sure if it will make me happy as well. I want to live with her for the rest of my life (as of now). I do love her but I’m not sure with the legalities and future disputes.

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    1. Hang on to yourself. We can only make ourselves happy. As soon as the law gets involved, things get complicated (and expensive).

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  24. I think posts like this show how alike we all are rather than how different we pretend to be. The agony of feeling pressured is so familiar to anyone who feels marriage is “expected.” And truly, now that you and your partner and so many others will have the benefit of being allowed to marry, the expectation will most certainly be there. Even though we live in 2015, in the South, where I live, it is still very much frowned upon to “shack up” with anybody. We are expected to get married. And so many of us go into marriage without realizing it is a VERY lofty commitment.

    Thanks for a great post! I enjoy so much hearing others’ perspectives.

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    1. I think that you are right–so many get married without really knowing what to expect and what it entails, from the other person’s expectations to the complications that accompany divorce. Living with someone should not be freighted with morality.

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  26. Pam, thank you for writing down your thoughts. I live in Europe and all I know about the new law is what I read in newspapers. It was really interesting to read about your perspective, especially because it affects you.
    And I don’t think you should be ashamed or worried because of your mixed feelings about the legalization of same-sex-marriage, nothing is just black or white 😉
    love, elli

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    1. Thanks Elli–I appreciate your support. You’re right–so very little is simply black or white. So many shades of gray . . .

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  27. I love it, as new blogger who just started about looking for the love of his life, I really do like this blog as it helps me understand what marriage really means, and how marriage doesn’t mean you can ever lose love. Really well written. 🙂

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  32. Yes what you said is true…we still have a lot to work on…and I’m sorry for what you have been through.
    But here i would like to say that though even i don’t fancy marriage…its origin isn’t in patriarchy…quite the opposite….it is a way on ensuring that one who bears the child is not the only one responsible for its upbringing…the partner too is compelled to bear equal responsibility…it is a kind of contract of responsibility accepted verbally in presence of many people so that both cant go back on their words.However this purpose later disappeared in shadows of patriarchy which i cant say came into being before or after this institution of marriage though i believe the answer is after.
    As far as success rate is concerned…we in India have a completely different story..because we have been taught that differences are temporary but love is permanent…both the partners need to compromise somethings,have faith and never leave each other come what may…we can face it and get through it always because nothing is greater than love.

    Reply

    1. Interesting. I do believe partners both need to take responsibility where children are concerned (I’ve had some experience with that–that’s a whole different blog), but if children aren’t involved, why do we need a religious or government blessing on our unions? And, hmmm, not sure about compromise . . . sometimes a relationship is good and runs its course and is then over. Not failed, just finished.

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  33. I totally agree . Things don t change much really. Frames of mind are still stiff and marriage has come back big time.
    We have to exist as individuals which does not prevent us from falling in love and sharing our dreams with our love one.
    Love is not a matter of property and no matter what most people say when a relationship comes to an end it then becomes extremely difficult to see your way out of aged principles

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  34. Thank you for writing this. As it was for you, the SCOTUS ruling was bittersweet for me. Knowing that I can now legally marry my partner was okay but I couldn’t overlook the fact that change is not going to be quick. I so appreciate the way you put your feelings and your heart out there for us to read.

    Reply

    1. Right. Change will continue to be incremental and marriage is perhaps not the most important right we need to fight for. Health care without having to be married might be good, or being able to walk the streets and be out without fearing reprisals . . .

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  37. Thank you for your point of view. I believe that people read more into marriage than there actually is. Marriageis a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. This is not a definition that I created but one that I believe in. Marriage and Love are not equal. I think many people are thought that they are equal and must go together. For me the ruling was to give anyone the right to this contract, because that is your right as a citizen. It was not passed to be a validating tool for your relationship. The only people who can validate a relationship are those in the relationship.

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    1. Right. We can’t look for external validation. We have to be secure in ourselves and in our relationship–we can’t look to the church or the government to give us that validation or security.

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  45. I think you are awesome for putting your real feelings out there. I believe the gay community deserves to be miserable in marriage just like everyone else.

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  49. Reblogged this on dyke writer and commented:
    Validate. In Canada, we got marriage equality in 2004.
    I got Gay Divorced in 2010. we have the same , but it takes a while for a lot of people to change

    BUT it has been heartening seeing the Canada response to the American shift into the Human Rights Nation club, a sort of

    What the hell were we thinking – there is no impact on anything when a new group gets rights

    I find it strange to listen to american anti-gay pundits claiming all this end of the world stuff

    the earth goes around the sun and it goes around the universe

    no one case what you do with your genitals except you and if other people have a concern, it’s really not their issue unless you invite them

    and that’s the only health response to think about other people, eh?

    rights are not diminished by including more people, it’s how they become real and not just legal fictions

    Reply

    1. That’s the thing that always gets me, folks thinking that someone having the same rights somehow diminishes them and their rights. The world is still spinning, the sun rising, the moon shining . . . the promised apocalypse has not arrived. It’s just insulting and annoying to be the subject of all of this hatred and bigotry. And it pisses me off that we’re supposed to be happy to have been granted rights that everyone else has had forever. Thanks? Not so much.

      Reply

      1. rights only mean something when it’s understood people are entitled to them, not when people merely play nice for the neighbours, eh!

  50. When same-sex became legal, I thought maybe now would be the best time to tell people (my family and some friends that didn’t know) about my sexuality. I am not lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am pansexual. But I am tired of people thinking pansexual is just for a bisexual trying to be special. I first told my best friend. I then told my girlfriend at the time. She got mad. She said that I had been lying to her the whole time. I had told her previously that I didn’t know my sexuality. She just assumed I was lesbian but I was scared to tell people. When I told my best friend, he was supportive. He didn’t know what pansexual was, but he supported me. As I explained, he said he might be pansexual too. For those who don’t know, pansexual is when a person is attracted to someone regardless of their gender. They are attracted to them due to their personality, thoughts, etc. my best friend came out as pansexual. When I told my girlfriend (ex girlfriend now) she got mad and defensive. She did not break up with me then but she said she wasn’t going to support me. I later broke up with her because she was my girlfriend. She was supposed to support me. She was supposed to be my backbone. When I say I’m pansexual to people, they ignore the fact that I’m human and have feelings. They talk about my sexuality as if I’m making it up. Same-sex marriage doesn’t mean going to marry a girl. It just means, there’s a probability I might. I might just end up marrying a guy.

    Reply

    1. We should all be able to be with whomever we are attracted to, regardless of gender. If that’s what being pansexual is, then by all means, be pansexual. No one has the right to judge you or your choices. Love is love. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Reply

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