Some Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage. It’s Not All Rainbows and Unicorns.

Published on by Pam

I have some things to say that are not going to be very popular, Dear Reader. Seems to be a trend lately, but I’ve got to be true to myself. Here’s the deal. Yesterday morning when my running buddy texted me asking if I’d seen the SCOTUS ruling yet, my heart sank a little. Not because I don’t believe we need equality. I totally believe we do. I’m just not sure marriage is the best means to that end.

So, while I’m happy that so many people I know are happy, I’ve not rainbowed my Facebook picture. I probably won’t. And here’s why: I’m a failure at gay marriage. As I type this blog, my same-sex marriage is dissolving its way through the Whatcom County Court system. My wife and I (for technically we still are married) were together 15 years. We got legally married in December 2013, and our marriage lasted about a year. We should be legally same-sex divorced sometime in August.

Obviously getting married didn’t doom us. Clearly things were not all rainbows and unicorns prior to our wedding. A relationship doesn’t fall apart suddenly. These things take time, but I believe that marriage contributed to our demise because we felt like we had to get married for a few reasons, not the least of which was so I could keep my health care benefits. And, because we were registered domestic partners here in Washington State before Washington granted marriage rights to same-sex couples, we would have been married by the state anyway by June 2014. That’s right. Either we had to dissolve our domestic partnership or the state would marry us. We chose to be active, to get married.

And then I had this feeling that since we finally could get married, we should, something akin to obligation. Since the straight folks had been so kind as to extend us this benefit, we would be rude to refuse such a gift. Right? After all, wasn’t this what we’d been asking for? What sort of ingrate wouldn’t jump at this offer?

Admittedly, I got excited picking out a ring, and when I proposed on Christmas Eve, 2012 in front of my mother and my daughters, I felt genuine happiness and love. I knew that my partner wanted to get married, and I did want to make her happy. Still, I had a nagging doubt that I couldn’t quiet or quell. And as that doubt grew, I pushed off my partner’s entreaties to set a date. I tried to express my feelings, tried to walk that line of “yes, I love you, but I’m not sure I want to get married.” My doubt became an issue between us.

Friday afternoon, my mood grew increasingly foul as I watched the internets morph into a giant rainbow. A huge black cloud descended over me and I tried to puzzle out why, exactly, I was so damn sad, mad, irritated, and grumpy. I knew my sadness went deeper than the fact that I’m getting divorced AT THE EXACT MOMENT that same sex marriage became the law of the land, though that does feel like a sufficient reason to not want to celebrate.

I tried to explain it to a friend. We had an errand to run together, and I warned her as she climbed into the Jeep that I was extremely grumpy. She asked if it was because I didn’t have someone with whom to celebrate this momentous occasion. No, I said. It’s deeper than that, though that is part of it.

I knew that in order to fully explain my feelings, I would probably end up crying. And I hate crying in front of people, but I needed to articulate what was roiling inside of me.

Here’s the deal, I said through my tears: When you grow up knowing you’re different, but not really understanding why, when you spend almost your entire life being told you’re wrong and bad and going to hell for the way you love, you develop a way of being in the world (or at least I did), protecting your heart, living a double life, watching what you say and to whom you say it. Just because the Supreme Court decides one day to validate same-sex marriage, I’m supposed to forget and forgive and move on? Suddenly it’s okay to be fully myself?

I didn’t grow up expecting to get married. My worldview, my view of myself, never included marriage. I had no fantasies about wedding dresses, being walked down the aisle and being (god forbid) given away. I always viewed marriage as a patriarchal institution, a way to own and control women, children, and property. Why, I always wondered, were the gays and lesbians fighting to become a part of such an institution?

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or rain on anyone’s pride parade. Honest. I just think, like I always have, that marriage is an imperfect institution fraught with all sorts of pitfalls. Why we as a culture view it as the pinnacle of loving expression baffles me. Yes, legally it represents the only way many people can pass on property upon death, the only way some folks can get adequate health care, but it is laden with outsize expectations and a 50% failure rate. Is this something to which we should aspire?

So, there’s that.

But there’s also this.

Friday’s SCOTUS ruling means something critical to all of the gay and lesbian children who can now grow up knowing that their love is not aberrant, at least not in the eyes of the law. Do not underestimate the power this ruling will have on making this world a safer, friendlier place for future generations.

However, for those of us who grew up having to fight every step of the way to love openly, the ruling means something different. It means we have left a legacy, the benefits of which we may not get to fully enjoy. I, for one, cannot simply breathe a sigh of relief and lay down my guard because the Supreme Court finally handed down a 5-4 decision in my favor. I still have 52 years of prejudice, hatred, doubt, and fear to overcome. I’ve grown up in a world where, yes, Roe v. Wade passed in 1973, but the right to abortion continues to be attacked and threatened. I’ve grown up in a world where, yes, segregation was ruled illegal, where yes, interracial marriage has been made legal, where yes, voting rights have been granted to people of color and to women, but where, my friends, we still have to fight every fucking day to maintain these rights.

As another friend pointed out, Brown vs. the Board of Education declared segregation illegal in 1954, but schools were still not fully integrated until the 1970s (and really, are they integrated now?). The pictures of the National Guard escorting Ruby Bridges to school haunt me, and we can still see the ugly faces of discrimination protesting today.

ruby bridges protesters god hates fags 2

We still live in a world where people WANT to fly the confederate flag, where governors allow it to fly over the state capitol, where lawmakers refuse to acknowledge the hatred and racism behind the assassination of nine Black churchgoers, where police routinely kill unarmed Black men. Gay teens are still bullied and hauled off to reparative therapy, trans* kids are killing themselves in droves and are being harassed in school.

We still have so much work to do. So, while yes, maybe same sex marriage being recognized as legal in all 50 states is a step in the right direction, the ruling doesn’t guarantee that anything will actually change.

So, yes, in many ways last week was a very good week. I can get health care insurance even as I lose my benefits in the course of my same-sex divorce. A new generation of young people can grow up knowing that their love is recognized as valid by the United States of America—unless they live in Texas.

375 thoughts on “Some Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage. It’s Not All Rainbows and Unicorns.”

  1. I enjoyed reading your blog. I totally understand where you are coming from. I don’t particularly value the institute of marriage, in fact, I don’t really give a fig about it but I but I fought tooth and nail for marriage equality in Ireland, going door-to-door canvassing asking people to vote Yes in our marriage equality referendum last May. I did this because I believe in equality and because as a straight person I believe that I should not be afforded any rights that are not also afforded to my fellow Irish citizens. Thankfully in Ireland we won and Ireland became the first country in the world to legalise same sex marriage by popular vote. I agree with you that the world wont change over night because of it or because of the SCOTUS decision but it is a small step forward and for many gay people in Ireland it represented a huge change in that it made them feel validated and supported to know that so many people came out to vote yes for same sex marriage. Its a small step, that may send a big message. The message being about equality rather than marriage. There are many many more issues, but it is good to celebrate the victories however small as it spurs us on and emboldens us for the next challenge.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for your amazing efforts on behalf of your fellow gay and lesbian citizens. I think the Irish vote was amazing on many levels. That so many Irish traveled home from abroad to vote truly astounded me. That said, that anyone gets to vote on another group’s basic rights is just troubling. Everyone should have the same rights from the get go–I am not confident that a vote in the US would be so positive. And, I have to wonder, what gives anyone else the right to grant another person rights? The whole notion simply boggles my mind.

      Thank you for reading and for responding–I truly appreciate your comments.

      Reply

  3. A lovely peek into your experience, Pam, and I’m sorry for all the hard shit you’ve gone through. I can’t imagine how someone could be judgemental of your assessment, you’ve covered everything! I keep thinking of Macklemore’s line in “Same love,” “A certificate on paper isn’t gonna solve it all, but it’s a damn good place to start.” Of course, I love that we all have the same rights, and my sister’s been planning a wedding for a month (Great timing for Michigan), but you’re right about the roots of the institution of marriage. As well as the legal and financial motivations. Of course, marriage isn’t really the ultimate sign of love, but why is it that I giggle gleefully every time I see a wedding photo, proposal, or engagement ring? Surely it’s not the institution, but rather the commitment. Thank you endlessly for sharing this and starting such a conversation! 🙂

    Reply

    2. Thanks for reading and taking the time to write such a heartfelt response. The roots of marriage as an institution are troubling as is the fact that anyone gets to decide who can get married at all.

      I do believe it is the commitment that matters and that a piece of paper will not solve it–and I adore that song.

      Reply

  4. Welcome to the real world. Marriage in the straight world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. In the straight world divorce with children generally means the woman gets custody and the man pays. It should be interesting to see how that develops in the gay community.
    I wish that you would not generalise about the confederate flag. Not everyone wants to see it fly. Those of us who are not American and have had the symbolism explained to us are pretty mad about it even existing.
    Same thing about those church people. It broke my heart to hear that some of the survivors forgave that hateful murderer. I don’t know that I could have done it.
    Human nature being what it is, there will always be people like that. You can’t regulate against it. You can only call it out when you see or hear it and get on with your life.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting. You make my point exactly–marriage in whatever form, gay or straight, isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, so why the rush to marry?

      I’m not sure I follow your comments about the confederate flag–I certainly don’t think it should be flying (and am happy it’s down–at least I think it’s down)–it is crazy that it’s been allowed to persist and exist this long.

      I too had trouble accepting that the families were able to forgive the murderer–and that gets into what I think about religion which is another blog or two entirely.

      Reply

      1. Becase forgiveness is for you not the other person. We feel we have the right to be angry and we do. But anger bitterness all it does is harm us it doesn’t do anything to hurt the other person that did the wrong and God gives you the strength to do it I know that a lot of people don’t understand that or Have not experienced that. I have . Not forgiving is like holding on to fire in our own heart you continue to let that person Control and hurt you.

    1. Exactly. Marriage’s roots in religion and as a means for property control are outdated and archaic. I feared that I would be ridiculed and booed for my thoughts on this matter, but I have been heartened by the amazing responses this blog has received. Truly lovely and thoughtful comments on the whole. Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.

      Reply

  10. This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard a gay person express doubts about marriage equality (one, I remember, some time ago was very much hoping that it would never come to pass). I never quite understood the heart of their concerns, but your beautifully written post has given me a new perspective to consider. Thank you for sharing! 🙂

    Reply

    1. Awesome. I’m so glad that this blog helped clarify things. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for reading it in the first place!

      Reply

  11. You are right it doesnt change anything for people like you who have suffered through the inequality, whove been subjected to abuse and who were tormented by their feelings. For that there is no excuse and a sorry will never make it okay or make those feelings and memories go away.
    I still do think this movement is fantastic though as it means other people, younger generations, may have to go through less.
    We will never completely stamp out inequality but lots of small steps, like this one, certainly help.
    http://www.lifeofliss.com

    Reply

    1. I certainly hope things get easier for future generations, and it’s not even so much that I am angry about suffering and abuse and being tormented by my feelings. Mostly I wonder what life would be like if I had been accepted from day one, if I’d never had to explain myself or feel like i couldn’t be authentic or if I’d never had to worry about physical harm or being rejected by people I thought were my friends. I know we all grow up with our own burdens, but having had an extra layer makes it that much more difficult to live fully and authentically.

      Each step is important. I agree.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply

  19. Your post is very well written , honest and yet I have to say that On 6 October 2014, the court turned away appeals from five states with gay marriage bans on the books that had challenged court rulings overturning those bans.
    In challenging the gay marriage bans, proponents relied on a 2013 Supreme Court ruling in the case of United States . This article shows that it is not only about rainbows and we have to understand why should love be in a paper you stated ” while I agree marriage is a totally flawed institution and monogamy is a bizzarre and rare condition in the human being ” meaning that behind eloping it is like a tale and love should not be in a piece of paper

    Reply

  20. Such an insightful post, It’s made me question marriage in general, same sex or not. I think same sex marriage is too new for less progressive people to be blasé about. When the majority of the public do, however, then same sex marriage will lose this label of being new and different, but accepted for what it is.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for reading. I hear you . . . I think it’s great that you were compelled to take another look at marriage in general.

      Reply

  21. Reblogged this on Steampunk Fairie Tale and commented:
    I have to share this because the point she makes is one I share. Im not lgbt, and though I do want equality for all regardless of race or sex, i do not think marriage is the answer. I love that they have finally won the right to marry, and that future generations will become more open minded for this victory. But I agree that marriage is a patriarchal institution that men and women alike are pressured into. It’s not an end all solution, but one step on the way.

    Reply

    1. I agree–it’s a step that will make life easier for future generations, but it is not a panacea for current problems. I keep hearing from so many straight folks that they too feel pressure to buy into marriage and all of the expectations that come with it. The time has come to rethink the entire institution. Thanks for reading, reblogging, and commenting! The trifecta!

      Reply

  22. Love this. I’m a straight individual, but I’ve always wondered why same-sex marriage was such an issue and not just the general view on same-sex relationships. Also, I’ve wondered how much pressure this ruling might put on same-sex couples who generally wouldn’t have gotten married before. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to feel that the celebration may have been a little too soon, because the issue of hate & negativity towards same-sex relationships is still an issue & may have even been intensified due to the national spotlight this ruling has caused.

    Reply

    1. Yes, I agree–with all the dissenters and haters still out there, it’s clear much more work needs to be done, on so many fronts. I understand the rush to celebrate, certainly. After centuries of being ignored and then reviled, some equality feels good. But, we all should enter into marriage with as much awareness as we can muster.

      Reply

  23. You have to admit though… It is not that anyone can be treated fairly anymore. I am a first born German and it is unfair socially to have pride in my heritage. I am automatically deemed a racist if I put a flag from my family’s heritage out. I do very much value your opinion, I am straight married and have 2 children. Though I do not share your views on same sex relationships …. I do feel as if it is your right as a human being to do the things that make you happy. I do agree with many of your statements, though we are so different we do share the same human compassion. Good day to you and great luck with your happiness my friend.

    Reply

    1. I think we should be able to do what makes us happy as long as our actions don’t impinge on the rights of others. It gets complicated though. If we are always putting our best selves forward, however, then we have a fighting chance. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Reply
  24. Pingback: don’t rain on my parade | firechronicles
  25. Pingback: flying flags | the wolf's lair

  26. Great post, very thought provoking. While I’m from the UK, this is still a major step forward. Every step counts and hopefully this is just one of many. As I understand, while there is still homophobia in the UK, America is somewhere where there are many extremes of homophobia.

    While I’m very much out to my loved my friends and family I just hate the way it doesn’t end there. For me the biggest leap will be when a stranger asks if my partner is a friend and I don’t have to think twice about my answer. When talking about my girlfriend just flows into normal conversation, when I feel like I don’t have to put myself to new people I meet. When I don’t have to figure some way of approaching the situation without making a deal about it.

    Enjoyed your post, it put a different perspective on things. Thanks for sharing.
    Jessie

    Reply

    1. I hear you Jessie. Coming out all the time is just exhausting. It seems to be unending. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Reply

  30. Thanks so much for writing this post. As an 18 year old, I’m only just embarking on adulthood. I’m a Christian and unlike you, I’ve been dreaming of my wedding day for years; not the big white wedding party, but the opportunity to recognise my relationship in the eyes of both God and family and friends, using the same liturgy and vows that I have become so accustomed and attached to. Thus, I’d never considered your position before. Of course, I was aware that same sex relationships could end just as heterosexual ones do, but I’d never considered the pain such an event could cause a member of the LGBT community, so thank you for enlightening me and writing such a thought provoking post

    Reply

  34. Hey Pam really appreciate your honest opinion here. Reminds me of “no law is gonna change us, we need to change us” from the same love song when I read this.

    Reply

  35. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. I’m not against it too, but I also didn’t put the rainbow in my account. I’m happy for them too.

    What I’m only going to say is that couples shouldn’t get married and if they don’t know and understand what marriage really is.

    People who get married for the wrong reasons and who doesn’t know and understand what marriage really is will eventually get divorce.

    Regarding what you feel, I felt the pain in your words because of what you’ve been through, the kind of upbringing, and the treatment you got from other people.

    If you’re angry, let it go. Let it all out, because you deserve to be heard.

    I respect you, your feelings and your thoughts.

    Reply

    1. Thank you–it’s difficult, I think, to understand marriage when you’ve grown up not ever expecting to get married. I can only speak for myself, and having lived outside of the dominant culture for most of my life, I pretty much ignored conventions such as marriage and did relationships differently. Expectations were different. Marriage is a heavily weighted convention–lots and lots of cultural baggage attached to it. I know i wasn’t prepared. I suspect others won’t be either. I appreciate your comments.

      Reply

      1. Hi, I don’t think that anyone is ever ready to get married. We can do everything to study and prepare ourselves, but our knowledge only gives us assurance and guidance. So also, I can only speak for myself too. Thank you for responding. I appreciate it.

  38. I believe in equality and because as a straight person I believe that I should not be afforded any rights that are not also afforded to my fellow Irish citizens

    Reply

  39. Pam unfortunetly no marrige is unicorns and rainbows and it does need a hard work and a lot of compromising same as we definetly have still a lot to do to make this world a better place but every small step counts. I am deeply sorry for lost you all the best !

    Reply

    1. I know–and I don’t understand the rush to participate as if it were a panacea to what ails us. Thanks for your empathy!

      Reply

  41. Having marriage valid with paperwork shouldn’t feel like an obligation. I also married to make it legal. But a different legality. My husband is a foreigner. Every three months he had to leave the country a be away for about a month. I didn’t want there to be a chance for losing him. So marriage… And this paperwork is what someone makes it. It should never put a damper on a relationship. If you love someone and you feel it’s right, then do it! People always grow through life. Sometimes feelings change, for the good or bad. You just have to make life as good as you want it.

    Reply

    1. I agree–we are responsible for our own happiness. We can’t get it via marriage . . . but the paperwork complicates a relationship, don’t you think?

      Reply

      1. It all depends on the couple. I mean, my husband and I haven’t had issues since we were married. But we also didn’t have a regular wedding either. We were married in a court house. Paperwork is just paper. It is what you make it. Marriage combines two as one. So the paper is the inevitable of sharing everything you own. Isn’t that why people get married? So why should some paper make a difference? If you love someone don’t you want to share everything in your own life with them?

  43. Wow I loved every word! You literally expressed so many emotions and were truthful and honest! Very brave If I may say. I agree with many points especially that legalizing marriage is a STEP to equality but just not the full blown step to change as for many are entitled to their own opinion

    Reply

    1. Thanks! I felt brave when I posted it. I hit the button and then left the house to go for a long run. My words seem to have resonated though, and I am grateful. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.

      Reply

  44. Very well-written. Astute self-analysis. I completely understand your feelings that though you have left a legacy, you may not get to fully enjoy it. That is the downside of being part of the vanguard. You sacrificed your heart and soul, endured endless amounts of hatred and discrimination, questioned your very place and value in this society, all so that others who come after you can walk an easier path. I hope that you can hang on to the part of you that knows that “gay and lesbian children who can now grow up knowing that their love is not aberrant,” because that is the gift your casualty has given to the future. It was not in vain.

    Reply

  45. A brave, poignant and thought provoking post. Your words will swim around in my head for a long time – and will keep me questioning this strange and bigoted world we live in. Love is a wonderful treasure, to be celebrated wherever it is found.

    Reply

  46. Reblogged this on The Edge Life and commented:
    Like mentioned in the whole entire world, Same-Sex “Issues”. Right is wrong, left is right, up is down, and east is west etc… The concluded facts of life, they are different now! I found this blog to be very insightful and interesting.

    Reply

  47. Hello Pam, I’m glad that you are spoken the truth here which takes a lot of courage and honesty. Thank you for that and i hope things work out for you in future. A lot of LGBT people thinks its vital to be able to get married and live a perfect life. Few of gay friends that i have cant even sustain a relationship for more than few months, go figure. Meanwhile, Me and my partner of 17 years are not married as its not allowed by law here where i am from. That didn’t stop us from being together and being committed to each other. I applaud for other countries for making effort in making sure all people can life in harmony and express their right in choosing their partners.

    Reply

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Cammal–I applaud your long-term committed relationship and wish you many happy years to come.

      Reply

Leave a reply to shelleylorraine Cancel reply