I have some things to say that are not going to be very popular, Dear Reader. Seems to be a trend lately, but I’ve got to be true to myself. Here’s the deal. Yesterday morning when my running buddy texted me asking if I’d seen the SCOTUS ruling yet, my heart sank a little. Not because I don’t believe we need equality. I totally believe we do. I’m just not sure marriage is the best means to that end.
So, while I’m happy that so many people I know are happy, I’ve not rainbowed my Facebook picture. I probably won’t. And here’s why: I’m a failure at gay marriage. As I type this blog, my same-sex marriage is dissolving its way through the Whatcom County Court system. My wife and I (for technically we still are married) were together 15 years. We got legally married in December 2013, and our marriage lasted about a year. We should be legally same-sex divorced sometime in August.
Obviously getting married didn’t doom us. Clearly things were not all rainbows and unicorns prior to our wedding. A relationship doesn’t fall apart suddenly. These things take time, but I believe that marriage contributed to our demise because we felt like we had to get married for a few reasons, not the least of which was so I could keep my health care benefits. And, because we were registered domestic partners here in Washington State before Washington granted marriage rights to same-sex couples, we would have been married by the state anyway by June 2014. That’s right. Either we had to dissolve our domestic partnership or the state would marry us. We chose to be active, to get married.
And then I had this feeling that since we finally could get married, we should, something akin to obligation. Since the straight folks had been so kind as to extend us this benefit, we would be rude to refuse such a gift. Right? After all, wasn’t this what we’d been asking for? What sort of ingrate wouldn’t jump at this offer?
Admittedly, I got excited picking out a ring, and when I proposed on Christmas Eve, 2012 in front of my mother and my daughters, I felt genuine happiness and love. I knew that my partner wanted to get married, and I did want to make her happy. Still, I had a nagging doubt that I couldn’t quiet or quell. And as that doubt grew, I pushed off my partner’s entreaties to set a date. I tried to express my feelings, tried to walk that line of “yes, I love you, but I’m not sure I want to get married.” My doubt became an issue between us.
Friday afternoon, my mood grew increasingly foul as I watched the internets morph into a giant rainbow. A huge black cloud descended over me and I tried to puzzle out why, exactly, I was so damn sad, mad, irritated, and grumpy. I knew my sadness went deeper than the fact that I’m getting divorced AT THE EXACT MOMENT that same sex marriage became the law of the land, though that does feel like a sufficient reason to not want to celebrate.
I tried to explain it to a friend. We had an errand to run together, and I warned her as she climbed into the Jeep that I was extremely grumpy. She asked if it was because I didn’t have someone with whom to celebrate this momentous occasion. No, I said. It’s deeper than that, though that is part of it.
I knew that in order to fully explain my feelings, I would probably end up crying. And I hate crying in front of people, but I needed to articulate what was roiling inside of me.
Here’s the deal, I said through my tears: When you grow up knowing you’re different, but not really understanding why, when you spend almost your entire life being told you’re wrong and bad and going to hell for the way you love, you develop a way of being in the world (or at least I did), protecting your heart, living a double life, watching what you say and to whom you say it. Just because the Supreme Court decides one day to validate same-sex marriage, I’m supposed to forget and forgive and move on? Suddenly it’s okay to be fully myself?
I didn’t grow up expecting to get married. My worldview, my view of myself, never included marriage. I had no fantasies about wedding dresses, being walked down the aisle and being (god forbid) given away. I always viewed marriage as a patriarchal institution, a way to own and control women, children, and property. Why, I always wondered, were the gays and lesbians fighting to become a part of such an institution?
I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or rain on anyone’s pride parade. Honest. I just think, like I always have, that marriage is an imperfect institution fraught with all sorts of pitfalls. Why we as a culture view it as the pinnacle of loving expression baffles me. Yes, legally it represents the only way many people can pass on property upon death, the only way some folks can get adequate health care, but it is laden with outsize expectations and a 50% failure rate. Is this something to which we should aspire?
So, there’s that.
But there’s also this.
Friday’s SCOTUS ruling means something critical to all of the gay and lesbian children who can now grow up knowing that their love is not aberrant, at least not in the eyes of the law. Do not underestimate the power this ruling will have on making this world a safer, friendlier place for future generations.
However, for those of us who grew up having to fight every step of the way to love openly, the ruling means something different. It means we have left a legacy, the benefits of which we may not get to fully enjoy. I, for one, cannot simply breathe a sigh of relief and lay down my guard because the Supreme Court finally handed down a 5-4 decision in my favor. I still have 52 years of prejudice, hatred, doubt, and fear to overcome. I’ve grown up in a world where, yes, Roe v. Wade passed in 1973, but the right to abortion continues to be attacked and threatened. I’ve grown up in a world where, yes, segregation was ruled illegal, where yes, interracial marriage has been made legal, where yes, voting rights have been granted to people of color and to women, but where, my friends, we still have to fight every fucking day to maintain these rights.
As another friend pointed out, Brown vs. the Board of Education declared segregation illegal in 1954, but schools were still not fully integrated until the 1970s (and really, are they integrated now?). The pictures of the National Guard escorting Ruby Bridges to school haunt me, and we can still see the ugly faces of discrimination protesting today.
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We still live in a world where people WANT to fly the confederate flag, where governors allow it to fly over the state capitol, where lawmakers refuse to acknowledge the hatred and racism behind the assassination of nine Black churchgoers, where police routinely kill unarmed Black men. Gay teens are still bullied and hauled off to reparative therapy, trans* kids are killing themselves in droves and are being harassed in school.
We still have so much work to do. So, while yes, maybe same sex marriage being recognized as legal in all 50 states is a step in the right direction, the ruling doesn’t guarantee that anything will actually change.
So, yes, in many ways last week was a very good week. I can get health care insurance even as I lose my benefits in the course of my same-sex divorce. A new generation of young people can grow up knowing that their love is recognized as valid by the United States of America—unless they live in Texas.
Pamela Helberg 
This is a brave, a sobering assessment, and yes beyond the hoopla and everyone rainbowing their pictures and saying that Love Wins. Marriage codifies, and religious ppl think that it sanctifies as well, but the best unions are ones that are constantly renewed in the present. For young ppl now, young gays and lesbians, I think they will find out that this marriage they so longed for, is not the whole answer to a full rich integrated life, that is, a a life integrated into the society you live in. By virtue of your age and experikence, you will always have a historical perspective. Worth having, no matter what, and no matter how sobering. love, L
Laura Kalpakian Author of Three Strange Angels ravennablue@gmail.com laurakalpakian.com Facebook // Twitter >
Thanks dear. As always, I appreciate your perspective. Marriage is not the be all, end all. Always more work to be done. XXOO
Well done, Pam. Thank you!
Thanks Colleen. And thanks for our talk on Sunday. It really helped clarify things. I have tons more to say on the issue 🙂
Pam, thank you for writing down your thoughts and feelings. I am crying you hit the nail on the head. PJ
Thanks PJ–
Powerful and moving, as well as articulate and humbling. Simply awesome.
Your words mean a lot to me, Dawn. Thank you!
thought provoking and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I got married in 1963 because I felt that was what was expected of me. Was I in love with the guy – whatever that means – no, but he was nice. Then I had kids, again the expectation being the driving force. Twenty-ne years later I finally got my head around my sexual identity. The most important document Sue and I have is not our Civil Union or our Marriage license but a agreement we wrote together more than 25 years ago just after we’d purchased our first house, about how and why we would conduct ourselves as a committed couple. The Civil Union???because Sue needed to get on my health insurance before having a lot of dental work done. The marriage??? because we could. What you’ve written needs a wider audience. I hope you’ll consider submitting it to the Herald or the Seattle Times. Write on woman!!!!
Thanks Linda–marriage gives us much to consider, but we don’t need it for commitment. There’s got to be a better way to get benefits.
Hi Pam. I’m so sorry about your relationship. I agree with you on all of this. I also was feeling like raining on the Pride Parade, because I’m so cynical about marriage. OBVIOUSLY, I’m happy about the Supreme Court decision, which is important for the reasons you mention. But it’s not the end of the story. I saw a lot of posts that said things like, “Now we never have to hear the term ‘gay marriage’ again. It’s just marriage!’ ” Those must be the same people who believe that a piece of paper is a guarantee of Happily Ever After.
thanks Kari–it was your post on FB that gave me permission to ponder all of this “out loud” so to speak. I didn’t feel alone. So thanks for being brave. A piece of paper means nothing but what we imbue it with . . . and certainly it doesn’t always mean happily ever after.
Thank you!! I was a little afraid to be negative too. I’m happy you wrote this post!
Thanks for writing and sharing your perspective, Pam. That took some courage, which you have in droves!
I was one of those who rainbowed my profile because I was/am overjoyed that in the harsh, prejudiced climate of our nation the Supreme Court actually made a ruling to expand basic rights for gays, should they desire to exercise them. You’re spot on about marriage not being a solution or even desirable for every couple. (I found that out after 30 years with marriage #1.) But for some it is, and everyone should have that right with a blessing and a strong “buyer beware” attached. ❤
Buyer beware, but also, be wondering why we live in a culture where people have to beg and beg for their rights from other people. I’m glad we have the right because god help us had SCOTUS decided otherwise, but why do we have to ask in the first place?
Anyway, thanks for reading and for being such a great support.
Such a thoughtful post, Pam. As always, I appreciate your depth and your ability to articulate it. xo
Thanks Cami.
Very well thought out post! One more point that – in my humble opinion – to consider is that there’s an inherent flaw in the fact that people need the government to “allow” them to do what should be a – given… that is not something I tend to celebrate… I wrote about this in one of my recent posts – http://wp.me/p1sR1Y-17t
Hopefully this ruling will mark a point in time when the greater populace start recognizing gay people as what they are – people.
Exactly. To all you said. Thanks for commenting and for reading.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about this. You’re the first person I’ve heard talk openly about same-sex divorce. I hope that the same-sex divorce rate ends up lower than opposite-sex divorce. Unfortunately, something tells me they’ll eventually normalize to be pretty close (and uncomfortably high).
Yeah, and I wonder why. Once a couple feels there’s nothing to fight for, they’ll to fight over anything until they split. Incredible, isn’t it?
Well, the divorce is inevitable. What will be challenging is that because we’ve never been able to marry, we have no experience with divorce and it is going to be very, very different from simply leaving a relationship that no longer works. If the legal system is involved in our unions, it will be involved in our break ups and I wonder if people considered that?
Although, hopefully, it will protect some folks as well who would otherwise lose property.
It’s actually going to be exactly like if a opposite-sex couple split. You’ll likely need to involve a lawyer. Spousal support is a serious matter that needs to be addressed if there is a income disparity. If an equitable agreement can’t be made about joint property it will need to be sold.
Welcome to the party.
Well said. I had similar thoughts when don’t ask don’t tell was repealed. Like oh great, now the queers have the ability to fight for a country that barely recognizes them as citizens. Yay?
Right. Exactly.
Well-said and written. Honest and very human. I just wanted to inform something about marriage.
I would just like to take up the following two points.
I also don’t like the feeling of “being (god forbid) given away” in marriage” since I’m not a property of anyone else, even by my own parents (both biological and legal). The idea of being “given” or “handed to” is custody and care. One is given into (not “away”) marriage is that one is **entrusted to** someone else. Thus, most of the obligations that a parent has for the child is transferred to the spouse. This is true for both male and female children (either bride or husband). Note that their being children does not cease since parents are rightfully good sources of advice.
You have viewed “marriage as a patriarchal institution, a way to own and control women, children, and property.” I also have this idea long ago. This changed if we read history that the origin of marriage becoming an institution is that it provides **protection** to the parties involved. In the early times (more patriarchal world), it is protection to both the wife and the children. Today it is a protection (and benefit) to both wife and husband and particularly for children as future citizens.
I believe that even same-sex “marriage” is practically for availing of benefits of the couple hence should always be seen as an economic partnership different from that of the opposite-sex marriage which is *naturally* directed to the generation and rearing of children as its primary mission (thus a kind of institution).
Thank you for the illuminating fact that same-sex unions have divorce as well. This indicates that same-sex unions are not superior to opposite-sex marriages and looks into opposite-sex marriage as an ideal situation.
I wonder how the “double-life” issue be solved by the same-sex marriage?
Thanks for reading and for your comments. There has to be another way to designate inheritance and to provide benefits.
That’s where legislation can come in. That’s not a jurisdiction of the Judges for they can only judge cases based on the principles of the Constitution and the existing laws that uphold them.
I think same-sex unions is closer to business partnership rather than marriage. This way, the inheritance issues are simply about the manner how to divide the earnings and accumulated assets of the parties involved.
I wonder how same-sex unions have been struggling with rearing children. If any, of course. Thanks!
Cannot procreate if same gender. cannot “be fruitful and multiply.” aw!
Well, we can and we do. Just differently.
This is interesting. How different exactly? It is noteworthy that those who freely chose to live a celibate life (that is, those who chose to forgo the use of their biological reproductive capability inclusive of the pleasures that goes with it) can still (in a manner of speaking) “generate” children by rearing those who by accident (e.g. early death or unfortunate abandonment), become parent-less.
But I guess, the context of “multiply” here is different.
I am so sorry for the pain you both are going through….
While I agree marriage is a totally flawed institution, and monogamy is a bizarre and rare condition in the human being. I truly believe the idea behind marriage is that it was a fairy tale fantasy designed to make women look forward to being someone’s adult property! When you get two women together we drive the U-Haul on the second date and both want to marry too soon and for the wrong reasons.
Ironically, even though in our minds we have been married since October 1, 2002, I did feel BETTER and SAFER and HAPPIER when my wife and I were legally married last October 18, 2014.
Now we are both going through serious PTSD issues from military sexual trauma that we both thought was handled decades ago, and our lives are no bowl of cherries or stable of unicorns. She actually told me we should get divorced last week, but it was out of her own sense of shame and worthlessness from her traumas, so for now we are holding on to believing this TOO shall pass.
Hopefully with all the so called Christians using this homophobic hysteria as a rationalization to commit the sin of divorce (since same sex marriage is Constitutionally protected now) that we can marry under the laws of Caesar (“fucking for virginity” so to speak, or “fighting for peace” in case you don’t speak French) EVERYONE will begin to rethink the institution and become more reasoned and honest when the fairy tale fantasy bites off our reasoning.
That’s very brutally honest and good for you to not conforming.
Thank you!
Reblogged this on itsmagnificent.
Thanks for the reblog!
When another’s written word can cause your original perception to look at something from a new angle I consider that fantastic. Thank you.
Wow. I’m so glad you read and let me know you were able to look at this issue anew. Thanks!
Yes, and I think at times that is a difficult thing to do in situations such as being a part of the same community. You are welcome. Thanks for writing. There is a great deal more to do, and that is easy to lose sight of amidst heightened celebrations.
Hmm…tough to be gay in Texas. Tough to be black in the South. Tough to be a female in the Military, and India.
It is. Thanks for reading.
This is beautifully written! I respect and appreciate it.
Thank you so much! I appreciate you taking the time to read this.
Hey …we all know that a marriage licence isn’t a recipe for success …but it’s a momentous breakthrough for you all in the USA that you finally have the opportunity to use the same cook book as everyone else. Here in Australia it would appear that the status quo will prevail until we vote in a new prime minister. 😦
It is a breakthrough, of that there is no doubt. I want a bigger breakthrough in that I would like it to be a non-issue. It’s complicated, I know and individual. Sorry things are so dismal down under–I hear there’s a “christian” couple who vows to divorce if Australia legalizes same-sex marriage. Hope it happens 🙂 And thanks for reading!
What a wonderful, insightful and honest post. While I live far off from the US when the news broke I was happy but at the same time knew this was just a legality. It didn’t change the fundamental beliefs of people as evidence by the continuous discrimination minorities have to endure. There is definite hope, but there definitely a lot of work ahead. It still is a question to me how we can break people’s paradigm beyond skin color, sexual orientation , race, etc. This will always be the harder part of the discourse.
As to marriage, its strange that I found this post as I’m currently reading the history of marriage and the evolving context as we change and redefine what marriage is. That’s a long discussion. Wonderful post. I’m definitely going to mull over this later on.
The history of marriage sounds like a fascinating study–what good timing. I do have hope that people’s fundamental beliefs will change. In the meantime, it is exhausting, and I think marriage could use a makeover. Thanks for reading!
I understand what you are talking about and discrimination. I also understand the marriage thing I mean I understand it’s not a must have if you love someone why do you need a paper to say that? But I think them saying “Yes, we are now allowing gays to marry” as a step. And I do agree that there should still be work done.
Thanks for your comment and thanks so much for reading. There will always be work to do–for all social justice issues.
What a poignant and heartfelt post.
Thank you so much for reading and for leaving your kind comment.
Thank you so very much for writing this. This is really brave assessment as said by Laura Kalpakian. I also wrote an article about it and will publish it soon on my blog, which will see the homosexuality scenario through a Pakistani eye!
Wow, I look forward to reading your post. Thanks for your comment and for reading!
Reblogged this on shoutnesta.
Thank you so much for the repost.
You make some very articulate observations – a very thoughtful post.
Thank you–I appreciate your comment.
You’re right, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. I blogged about the Marriage Equality Referendum in Ireland because that was a real shitty time, despite all the “Yay” and multicoloured profile pictures. We’ve still a long way to go. Learning to let our guard down will be tough. The No voters haven’t disappeared.
Right, that’s the thing, just because something becomes law doesn’t mean all the naysayers and haters have disappeared, and the fight then really just begins. I look forward to reading your blog.
Reblogged this on STRICTLYMEMESSS.
Thanks for the reblog!
As a gay woman who was married in the UK, this has given me some true food for thought. Was getting married the right step for me and my wife? I don’t know. I loved her, but part of me thinks we got married just because it was the next step, the next option available to us.
Sadly, my wife passed away just five months after we married. Thank God we were married else I would t have had the right protections in place and would have suffered even more than I have done at the hands of homophobic in laws.
I views the SCOTUS decision as a really positive thing, but I do worry that lots of people are going to rush into getting married just because they finally can.
I am so sorry for your loss….
Thank you
I am glad that being married saved you extra pain when your wife died, and I’m so sorry that you lost her. And you are right, I think, that many couples will rush to marriage without considering the implications as well as the benefits. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
Reblogged this on sheila amorta widya santi and commented:
New reblogged
Thank you for the reblog!
Reblogged this on Sally Ember, Ed.D. and commented:
A thoughtful, personal post about the impact of SCOTUS’ making marriage equality the law in the USA from a lesbian’s perspective. I would add my 2 cents, as a bi woman who has eschewed marriage for many reasons: it is NOT a great idea to get married.
Why? People of all backgrounds get married for specious and inadequate reasons, don’t keep their vows (or even understand the consequences of making vows), and divorce as easily as changing houses. I find all that very sad and that is makes “marriage” ridiculous.
That being said, anyone who wants to should be able to make that mistake, have that experience and/or enjoy that right and all the legal rights that come with it, any time, even in Vegas married by a fake Elvis. Period.
Best to you all,
Sally
Yes! Totally agree. Thanks for this–and for reading and reblogging.
I find it strange to treat it like an obligation, much like heterosexual couples not always end up getting married. Its an option that gay couples can also excercise now. And as I understand the prejudice that you must have been through, think about the next generations and how much easier it will get for them. It’s not the case solved yet, but definitely a step in the right direction, and maybe some hope for future in a little bit more peaceful world.
While I comprehend your points, I would gently take issue with your generalization that marriage is ridiculous and not a good idea. It is for some people, and as you pointed out reasons to get married include a whole array of specious and downright dumb ones. However there are literally multi-millions for whom marriage has been a wonderful thing – empowering, supporting, even transcendent.
Hey Diana, I cannot see what or where I generalised, my point is life is all about choices. If marriage makes you happy, get married. If living in partnerships makes you happy, do it. If living in solitude makes you happy, by all means do it. I don’t intend to point what works for whom, just how important it is to have this choice. And now the homosexuals do, so hooray for them 🙂 I for one am a heterosexual who does not intend to marry or have children and already came across *way* too many judgments for this choice, I can only try to sympathise with ‘a lot tougher choices’. Peace
@48h – You’re right, and my comment wasnt aimed at yours. Im sorry for the confusion since I clearly mis-inserted it. 🙂
Reblogged this on OverToTheDarkSide and commented:
An alternative and thought provoking view on recent ruling on same sex marriage in US.
Thanks so much for reblogging. Happy to have provoked some thoughts 🙂
Pamela, I am so happy I came across yours and strangely you mirror my thoughts totally and I too am wondering about this marriage/partnership issue….a long partnership does have its share of very serious problems, but then, I wonder if divorce is an answer? Must human society undergo changes, reconstruct perhaps. Speaking from a country like India, being in a same sex partnership for the last 15 years, myself, I still think that marriage is not an answer, although for most it is. For me stability comes from common things we do together, and the many things we don’t. But then, we do not have a legal system which accepts us too. If we did, then maybe, I too, who have had very little respect for the institution of marriage, would go with it, for security and privilege. Your post has made me think and I am sharing it with my Facebook friends. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Marriage is fraught with so many expectations, that I think many people believe it will solve whatever issues they may have in their relationship. I think too that when a person grows up gay or lesbian or bi–they are preoccupied with fitting it and figuring out their sexuality and differences and don’t learn about relationships the same way heterosexual children/adolescents do. We miss an opportunity to develop key skills early on (my armchair psychology). Thank you for your considerate and thoughtful reply, and thank you for sharing my post.
You are welcome Pam,
Reblogged this on jaztiyne.
thank you for the repost!
Pleasure.
Reblogged this on SHARIFF Khalil.
Thanks so much for reblogging!
Reblogged this on .
Thank you for sharing my post 🙂
Insightful and heartfelt post. Humans are so far from perfect and our institutions reflect our flaws. Everyone of us makes wise and unwise choices. To my thinking, change is far too slow in coming. There are brave souls throughout history who facilitated change for the next generation. What I like about the SCOTUS decision is that it is about love (for once) and the freedom to choose our own paths however rocky. Having done the divorce route myself, I feel for your disillusionment. The bumpy path will level out in time.
Yes, everyone should have the option to choose, I agree. Thank you for commenting and reading–I appreciate what you wrote.
Reblogged this on zikken24.
Thanks for reblogging!
Reblogged this on simple is beautiful.
Thank you for reposting!
You’re welcome, it was actually really interesting. It’s always always refreshing when someone doesn’t sugar coat marriage. Although I do want marriage with my current beautiful man, I enjoy it when people keep it realistic with me on what marriage is like. My gag reflex has been reacting more than usual with people trying to portray marriage as some easy street when it will ALWAYS be work, the work never stops. Loved your perspective.
There is never a problem with same sex marriage
Mmmm, sometimes there is . . .
You hit the nail on the head
Hammer time. Thanks.
Reblogged this on bringhappinesstoothers.
Thanks for reposting this.
Reblogged this on jmondaygossip.
Thank you so much for reblogging!
Reblogged this on ngochung991.
I appreciate the repost! Thanks.
Appreciable work
Thank you.
My only request to the LGBT community is this: don’t destroy the concept of marriage now that you have access to it. Marriage was never about acceptance, benefits, or cake toppings. Marriage was always about the love=sacrifice of two going through the joy+pain of raising children. You wanted marriage. If your marriages don’t work, don’t blame marriage. You chose marriage, marriage didn’t chose you.
I’m pretty sure that the concept of marriage was questionable prior to the SCOTUS decision. As we’ve not had the right to marry up until last week, we can’t be held responsible for the high divorce rate, successive marriages, and people who cheat on their wives/husbands. Straight folks have done that all on their own. I don’t think marriage works the way its proponents believe it does which is why I don’t think we as gays and lesbians should be striving for equality in a flawed institution.
We now enter a time when everyone has the same rights to have successes and make mistakes in our relationships. Choosing either to marry or divorce is never is simple as it seems. Nor is it simple to decide to remain married when divorce might be easier. We only get to be human.
Yes, now, if we could get everyone to agree that we are all human . . . thanks for commenting.
Pam, as a 33yr old straight, British male I will ask you not to give up on the marriage thing. My first marriage dissolved before we even said our vows yet we carried on regardless as we had a kid and that’s what you should do, be unhappy for your children!!
Nope it wasn’t a happy separation and it wasn’t amicable in the slightest, however I met Sarah 4yrs later and 9yrs later I am still with her (married again for 7yrs now). So treat the first one as a practice for the real thing lol
I am quite vocal in regards to equality and people that know me were surprised that I didn’t rainbow my facebook only one of them asked me, my response “It’s about time they saw sense” gay people should never have had to fight for the “right” to marry same as black people shouldn’t have had to fight for equal rights either. We are all humans why can we not be humane?
Your words touched me, and I wish you well for the future (whatever it holds)
xx
Thank you for your thoughtful comments–I appreciate your perspective and am happy for you that marriage worked out the second time around.
I heartily agree that we shouldn’t have to fight for basic rights, including the right to pass on our property to whomever we choose without having to marry them. We shouldn’t have to marry for health care or the right to see someone in the hospital (or should I say just hospital since you’re British?).
Thanks for reading–best wishes to you too.
I would just like to add in my option, coming from an 18 year old female, that even those as young as I am or even younger feel the same way. Most did not grow up in communities or households that supported love being love unless it was “normal” love, the classic male and female union. I agree that while we are taking steps towards the right direction there will always be steps taken backwards and obstacles to overcome. Only time can heal scars
That makes me a little sad that life isn’t infinitely better for young people these days. I keep thinking that it must be getting more bearable to come out as an adolescent. I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult time. We have so much work to do, and I truly hope that this ruling (since we have it) will open hearts and minds to the fact that we are indeed all just humans, as so many have said here in their comments.
Thanks for reading and for commenting. Peace.